Well, my future one. Leslie, you're safe. I won't be performing slam poetry in maximum security on your account. (Those of you who get the title reference, congratulations - I think that was the last time Eddie Murphy was funny.)

So I find an apartment listing in a neighborhood situated very close to Barco Law Building, from Mozart Apartments. It's $555, 470 square feet, with utilities included in the rent. The pictures look okay, there seems to be enough kitchen to sustain a non-takeout existence for twelve months.

I call from a FedEx/Kinko's this morning, and get the lease documents faxed to me. I give them everything they need to run a credit check on me, and I ring off, satisfied that I made a good deal.

I begin reading the lease, and paragraph 11 leaps out at me. "Rent due on the first day of each and every following month of the agreement term is $635." I call, and the woman helpfully directs me to paragraph 15: "Customer may deduct $80.00 from the monthly rent if the customer delivers the total monthly rent to the manager's office by the 2nd day of the month. The offer of this discount does not affect the time when the rent is due and payable." This bothered me. If you have a charge for late payment, wouldn't it make more sense to put that in a paragraph detailing that, and have the rent amount match your advertisement?

Fifteen minutes later, I'm reading through the last page of the lease agreement when I get another call from the nice young lady who interviewed me. She tells me I need a cosigner. After reiterating that I'm (a) 31 years old and (b) a graduate student who's spent the last ten years in responsible, salaried positions, I ask to speak to her manager. He tells me the same thing, and says that they need a demonstration of either a 4:1 income-rent ratio or 72 months of rent, in cash or liquid assets.

I told him, "I'm a student, and they build federal aid packages around 1 year of rent, instead of 6. If I had $40,000 in my pocket, I wouldn't be renting your apartment unless I were running a meth lab out of it." He didn't waver, and I told him I'd call him back in an hour. It's the best price available, and in a really good neighborhood, but I know I will tangle with these people again over something. I'd rather pay another $200 for peace of mind.

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